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  • Valerie Parker

My Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge allegiance to the guilt of the United States of America,

and to the selfishness for which it stands,

one power, under fear, capitalism, with racism, and a gun for all.

With liberty and justice for the privileged few

And if you don't like it, fuck you.

We take these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal,

but don't expect the US or Uncle Sam to teach you how to treat others fairly.

We live in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

(And we like being controlled by compliments to be obedient masses)

We don't have a culture in America.

We're a "melting pot," which is to say that we appropriate everything from other cultures like a buffet.

We borrow holidays and make monetary masterpieces to buy affection at Valentine's and Christmas.

We eat Mexican food and celebrate Cinco de Mayo as an excuse to drink tequila all while building a wall.

We take religious traditions and make a mockery with green beer and pinching for Saint Patrick and dress up a bunny for Easter.

We plan parades, parties, and parodies for profit.

We lie to our children about the existence of fictional characters like Santa and the Tooth Fairy to avoid responsibility.

We don't know our neighbors.

Take me out to the ball game, so we can scream at others and get a sense of togetherness that we lack in our individualistic daily lives.

Teach me to shout at others to influence their behavior.

To learn how to be loud and proud.

To demand that my voice be heard.

That might makes right.

That if I can take it, it's mine.

That I can pull myself up by my bootstraps

Because it's my effort that matters most.


Valerie Parker is a fiery American school teacher and edu-former (educator +performer= an activist who hopes to inspire through performance, arts, and writing). They live in Thailand where they spend their days writing a children’s musical on trauma prevention and volunteer-teaching circus skills to refugee kids. They love playing with their words, juggling, and flaming hula hoops.

They have a passion for healing themselves, advocating for consent culture starting with kids, and engaging in conversations to make the world safer #ConversationChangesEverything @MissValerieParker and Their work can be found in Fleas on the Dog.

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